heart. no heart.

i need to deal with issues that is making me like this... i need to get away from everything and lick my wounds... facing this alone, headstrong and telling myself over and over again "i'm good, i'm ok" isn't gonna do it anymore, i can't deceive myself anymore... i throw myself at work thinking i'll forget this pain, but its not gone yet... i can't wait for my sister to come home so i can nangis puas2 until my sister cry with me and tell me things will only get better, though i know it won't... i know i'm at my best when i'm on my own, but i'm happiest when someone loves me and right now it feels like no one does... i feel it, but i know its not true... i have everything, i have my family, i have my friends, my officemates, i'm lucky that way, but why isn't it enough? Why do i feel as if someone ripped my heart out and the pain goes all the way to the pit of my stomach? What's worse than this is that i eat to fill up that bottomless pit... Venting out my problems only give me some sort of a comfort for a week or so, then i get upset all over again... I know what to do... even uncle told me to do it... but how can i? How do i go? I can't deal with another break up... i've had 5 break ups in 2 years... 2 years... i know what people are thinking... she must be a lousy girlfriend... when i comes to this... it must be me... so how can i go and meet someone new when i know i'm just gonna end up failing again?

Jealous Much?

The funny thing about being an ex is the jealousy that oozes out when she/he finally found out that someone else has interest in them... In the case of the dump-er, she/he can't be jealous to show what they let go. So, they hold it back and become spiteful and blow up to anyone who dares to say hello. Why should the dump-er feel jealous? Is she still in love with the dump-ee? What upsets the dump-er is how come the ex's ex suddenly has the time and starts commenting on everything?

nothing else could describe how i feel better than this song...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JF_x74Br2rQ

Here's the lyrics:

If i'm mistaken,if this is broken,
I'll give u space, i"ll give u more,
But if it's so wrong then,now how come I'm smiling?
How come your face has never shown?
How can i go?
Yeah, U're all that i care,
It's sad, how, in love oh all is fair,
I'm sighing now, I'm tired now, I'm feeling down, I'm tired now.
How can i go?
They say time, will always heal it of,
But mine's not, ticking anymore,
I'm breathing slow, I'm feeling low, I don't mean to show but i feel it go.

break ups

who would have thought, best friends could break up... regardless how amazing things are... the truth is... if u are best friend material, it doesn't mean u are boyfriend material... he was simply not the one, but he is the one who broke my heart and gave me a slap into reality....

i am fully awake now... AWAKE

sticking to one side: Saints vs Sinners

I'm not sure if it happens all over the world, but it sure happens in my country. In a Muslim country its not difficult to spot the difference, but in my country it's difficult when you surround yourself with non-muslims, and grow up with different cultures. Diversity is the word often used in my country, but behind closed doors, we all stick to our own kind and the rest falls into place.

The sinners sin while the saints beriman. People are not able to accept that sinners do beriman and the saint can sin. The funny thing about people's perception is that people must be one or the other. I'm not able to comprehend this. 

People's perception: Sinners always sin. Saints do good. Why can't the sinners still pray and do things that are good? Why does all saints perceived to not make any mistakes. Is it wrong for a person to live their own life? Does a person who wears skimpy clothes have to be a bitch, a slut and a whore? Why doesn't anyone judge a saint who wears a tudung in public and has sexual experiment with her girlfriend daily? 

People can't see that, they simply judge the ones who live an honest life, those who are true to themselves. If she's honest to herself and to the world and wears short skirts or skimpy outfits, she's a whore. One example would be Mizz Nina. A newspaper article in my office on her was just lying around and one of my officemate claimed to see her in a very pink skimpy outfit and suggested that she had it coming to her. I couldn't understand it. Just because she's herself in public doesn't make her the bitch, it simply helps you bitch about her in public. They start trash talking about her and about how she claimed to be "... bangga menjadi orang Melayu yang kaya budi bahasa dan adab sopan sebagai gadis Timur" and next to it is her in a skimpy purple dress. I understand where they're saying that, but they can't expect her to be a complete sinner.

I used to be one of those people who pretend to be someone else with my family and myself around my friends, but sometimes when i want to truly be myself, my friends get confused and my office mates mock me. They think I'm confused with what i am. I know what i am, i know sometimes i do wrong, doesn't anyone? Today I feel like a sinner but tomorrow I might pray and ask for forgiveness. I am what I am, and most of all, I am myself.

who lies? you lie... yes, i lie

Tell me now, who doesn't lie? In most cases, we lie to protect ourselves, and we call it white lies. What happens when it gets out of hand? I lie... and i don't mean white lies or small lies... i lie to an extend i forget who i really am. I've intelligently (mind you) lied about every aspect of my life. I lie to mama, I lie to most of my relationships, I lie to my best friend, to my missing halves and most of all I lie to the public. 


I feel inadequate when I don't lie. I'm insignificant. I lie to get attention. I can't stop it, so I just need to continue doing so, until a few people figure it out and there's only a handful of them. Some stayed and become my guardian angels, and some dismissed me off their life. Regardless of the consequences, I'm stuck this way and I can't bring myself to come clean. 


An instance of this would be today. My other half left for India today, to begin a new life (there you go again, another lie)... Let me start over, He left for India to visit his mom, and I was stone hard cold to him, I couldn't bring myself to even hug him. When all I wanted to do was scream and bawl my eyes out and stop him from taking that plane ride. Here's the funny thing though, he'll only be gone for (haha) a week! I didn't feel anything until I got to the car and told myself, he's gone, my companion left me. And still... I felt nothing. Then as i drove off, i received a text message from him indicating ho he felt and i replied i would feel the same (another lie), but when he replied he would miss me the most, I teared up. He was telling me the truth, he was my reflection of what I feel, I just couldn't let it out.


So now I'm on my own for a week, and my goal is to stay sincere and loyal while he's gone. A very difficult task for me since I've never been that before to anyone. Wish me luck!